


The Talk

by HelenaHandbasket



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-02-04
Updated: 2004-02-04
Packaged: 2017-10-09 12:22:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/87295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelenaHandbasket/pseuds/HelenaHandbasket
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After an awkward conversation with Sirius, Harry needs a confidante.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Talk

**Author's Note:**

> Set sometime during Order of the Phoenix.

The Talk  
by Helena Handbasket

 

"And then he asked me about sex," said Harry. He folded his hands behind his head and looked up at the stars.

"Oh really," said Ron dubiously. "Sex."

"Yes, sex."

"Sirius Black asked you about sex. Sirius Black, who discovered half of the best snogging spots in Hogwarts, who once rivaled Gilderoy Lockhart as a notorious heartthrob, whose exploits in Azkaban have probably become the stuff of legends..."

"Ron!"

Ron shrugged without a hint of contrition, stretching a gangly arm above his head before tucking it back behind his neck. "Okay; so the prison thing might not be true. I was just speculating from the facts at hand."

Harry sighed. "No, you're probably right," he acknowledged. "Sirius seems to have a knack for notoriety."

"And yet you're claiming that he asked you about sex." Ron laughed openly at the prospect. "Unless, of course, there's some sordid element of the Little Whinging lifestyle that I've overlooked..."

"I didn't say he asked me for advice, you git." Harry gave his best friend a reproving shove, causing him to roll briefly onto his side before oscillating back to a more comfortable supine position. "He merely asked me about sex, like, what I thought of it."

"Here's a tip," offered Ron. "Squinch your face up so you look all grave, and say you learned all about it in school. Then declare that you're committed to acting responsibly when the right person comes along. The smart parents never fall for the celibacy-until-marriage claim. I know my parents didn't, except in Percy's case, where it was thoroughly justified." He chortled vindictively.

"Ron..."

"No seriously," Ron continued. "It's the patented Weasley strategy, finely honed through six consecutive comings-of-age. My parents have given The Talk so many times that half of the garden gnomes can repeat it verbatim." He paused thoughtfully and threw a small stone over the castle wall for no particular reason. "But everything is different for girls, of course. I have no idea what they said to Ginny, and, frankly, I'd rather not know."

"Ignorance is bliss," chuckled Harry.

"Ignorance is being able to look my sister in the eye," Ron amended. "Would you want to think of Dudley romping around naked in bed?"

Harry made dramatic retching noises, to which Ron responded with a nod of approval.

"Exactly," he said. "Now imagine if you actually liked him. That just makes it worse."

Shuddering, Harry found himself suddenly grateful that he didn't have any siblings. Nevertheless, Ron was missing the point. "Much as I appreciate the Weasley perspective on this matter," he deadpanned, "that's not what Sirius wanted to speak to me about."

"No?"

"No."

"Then what?"

"Well, he wanted to talk about himself," said Harry awkwardly, chancing a sidelong glance at Ron, who was rolling his head idly back and forth across the stone floor of the tower as he gazed up at the stars, "about his sex life."

"Oh yeah?" Ron replied, turning briefly to waggle his eyebrows at Harry before returning his gaze to the evening sky. "Did he give up anything good?"

Despite himself, Harry laughed at this. "You could say that, yeah."

"And?"

"And he wanted to make sure I was comfortable with certain aspects of his... preferences. Since we discussed my moving in with him full time, he wanted to be sure that I wouldn't be put off by his lifestyle."

Ron left off twirling his wand around his fingers to regard Harry with genuine interest. "Really. Care to elaborate?"

Harry vacillated, desperately in need of a verbal outlet, which is why he broached the subject in the first place, but hesitant to betray his stepfather's trust.

"Well," he began, reminding himself that if anyone was to be trusted with matters of personal discretion it was Ron, "it seems that Sirius has an irrepressible fetish for..."

"Yes?"

"For..."

"Out with it, Harry."

"For werewolves. More precisely, Professor Lupin."

Ron gaped at him incredulously. "Lupin?"

"Lupin."

"You're kidding, Harry."

"No," he repeated earnestly. "I'm totally serious."

Ron shook his head, his face blank with disbelief. "You're telling me – informing me – that Sirius has the hots for Lupin."

Harry took a deep, steadying breath. He didn't think this was going well. "That's right."

After gaping at him for a few more tension-filled moments, Ron burst into raucous laughter.

"What's so funny?" growled Harry, becoming suddenly angry. "You don't think it's possible for one man to love another?"

"No," chortled Ron, "I mean yes. I mean, wizard-wizard love is older than Stonehenge. What I can't believe is that you could be so unbelievably daft."

Harry snorted his reproof. "What are you talking about?"

"You honestly didn't know that Sirius and Lupin were an item?"

"I didn't say they were..."

"Oh, they're an item. Believe me."

His thunder stolen, Harry pouted and glared up at the sky. "And what makes you so sure?"

"It pretty much boils down to one or two brain cells," Ron said, smirking in irritatingly smug amusement. "Were you paying any attention when we were living ,i&gt;with them at Grimmuald Place?"

"Of course I was paying attention," Harry protested defensively. "We saw nothing to suggest that Sirius and Lupin were anything but friends."

"They're practically married," scoffed Ron.

Harry took a deep breath, trying to reconcile reality with his utterly erroneous expectations. He rolled partly onto his side so he could watch Ron contemplating the constellations. "So this kind of thing isn't uncommon in the wizarding world?"

"Not remotely," said Ron, who was, for some reason, squinting fixedly at the Pleiades. "I hate to side with Hermione, but you really ought to read more of the wizarding literature. It would give you a better sense of the culture."

Flopping onto his back, Harry took a deep breath and sighed. "I suppose you're right."

Ron smirked and turned his head. "Besides, some of the racy bits are quite entertaining."

 

* * *

 

When the night air grew too chill to remain out of doors, they went back down to the dormitory. Harry was deep in thought, intrigued and a little frightened by the avenues of opportunity their conversation had opened.

Amid Neville's low snores, Harry sat on the edge of his bed and looked on as Ron pulled his robes over his head and began to unbutton his shirt. Watching his friend undress had become a nightly ritual for him, but tonight he did so less covertly than had been his custom.

Ron, usually the master of the oblivious, noticed his gaze as he pulled off his tie and tossed it casually onto his trunk. Unfazed, Ron finished removing his shirt and unfastened his trousers, revealing well-worn flannel boxers beneath.

Unconsciously, Harry allowed his gaze to drift down the freckled chest to the once-scrawny legs, now muscular and lanky. He blinked, suddenly aware of his obvious stare and lifted his gaze to Ron's face, which now bore a bemused and unembarrassed expression.

Harry swallowed nervously, but Ron just rolled his eyes and swung his legs onto the bed, kicking the covers down before pulling them up around his chest.

After several soundless attempts, Harry finally managed to speak. "Hey Ron," he opened awkwardly.

Ron turned on his side, arched an eyebrow and said, "No."

"But you don't even know what I..."

"I know what you're asking," said Ron emphatically, "and the answer is 'no.'"

"But why can't you...?"

"I'm sorry," said Ron, his sobriety cracking into an impish smile, "but I absolutely will not kiss you until after you've brushed your teeth."

 

End.


End file.
